"She said I'm glowing, 'to the tips of my ears,' and asked if this
Sarah person the reason? Ugh. I can't HELP it -- my body's too small to be
a container for this. It don't see it, but I can see people around me
seeing it in me." Jan-Sep 1998:
"So much to do, so little time." - Mister X
Keeripes. It would take me ages to recount what happened this year; so much!
A few things come to my forefront: Got out of depression in January as I was
performing in one of Jackie's dance shows. This was just in time to see my
credit card max-out. I got a job shortly afterwards in Febuary... I'm still
working there as a contractor. In the begining of June I met Sarah Bin, who
I have written letters to (and got letters from) for more than four years.
We spent the afternoon getting to know each other away from the letters and
pens, and became very attracted to each other. Still, it came as a surprise
to both of us when we first kissed a week later on our way to a fashion benefit
show in Hamilton. We see each other when we can, usually weekends when I
might go to Hamilton or she might come to Toronto. When I'm talking about
her, adjectives fail me... I usually just stare off into space with a blissful
smile on my face. All this and brains, too.
Convergence IV happened here in
Toronto. My second paying photography gig! I would like to pursue photography
as art and I might get more chances at freelancing. The website and photo gig
is because the C-IV organizers liked my C-III website so much, they asked me
to do it again.
Labour Day weekend I was up north, spending quality time with Brian Kennedy
and Aaron Magney and Jude something-or-other. We stopped in at Unicamp.
I saw the generation that is somewhat more than a generation removed from me,
and I saw people who could tap the magic of that place to better themselves.
Natalie (last name I don't know!) fought hard to make sure youth staff would
remain working there, and her hard work has paid off, because the staff that
got the chance this summer have told me individually that it was a time they
will cherish. *sigh* I think I'll be less bitter about the place. Still,
"I don't return to Unicamp because it's Mecca; these days it's coming to a
grave to pay my respects." It will never be to me the place I grew up in.
July 1998:
written Sep 1998
Convergence III happened.
I made a
website of the event and my photographs. It's the best thing I ever made
to that date, of photography and of websites. I made many acquaintances, a
couple friends, and astounded people at my ability to drink, damage myself
drinking without requiring medical attention, and recovering in time to
continue drinking the next night. As the only Canadian, I felt it was my
duty to impress the Americans. (what a stupid stupid thing to do, but I lived
to tell the tale)
Jun-Dec 1997:
written Sep 1998
Since May, I botched the relationship with Sandi/SandE. I was hung up on her
for quite a long time, staying away from her because of the potent emotions
that she evokes in me. Finally we had one last date, where we consumated our
affections one last time, and I (and I think we) realized it just wasn't good
anymore. This was a milestone (December) in the middle of a fit of
depression that had been going on for months, reaching it's very bottom when
I was sleeping on couches looking for an apartment during the month of
September. Jackie, Lou, Steve Benesko, Kevin McSprocket, Aaron Magney and
Brian Kennedy each supported me through househunting by offering a warm place
to sleep. I had to move because Robert Kennedy, my ex-roommate, decided to
move in with his girlfriend Alison (for whom I have no love and only
sufficient civility). The new place is my first time living completely by
myself, and I quite enjoy it in this 13'x13'x7' cube bachelor apartment. I
was reminded not to take for granted the ability to have showers and clean
clothes whenever I wish. Christmas was much less painful than I thought it
would be -- I was plesantly surprised, having fun during the family gathering
and head-counting (and usually stressful eggshell-walking) that is Christmas
for the Moore family. Still, I welcomed the opportunity to go to Kevin
McSprocket's "antiChrist-mas" party, where I had my first fit of giggles from
Kevin's hospitality, and generally unwound. I also managed to complete my
New Year's Resolution: to write a journal entry for each week of the year.
I won't be showing them publicly, since it is a diary, but some bits
of my public writings I included into my diary, such as 'porting the artifical
therapist "Eliza" from Commodore 64 BASIC into Perl. It was a great
achievement in my life, despite it's ease, because "Eliza" was one of my
greatest inspirations as a child to become a computer programer. Now, I am
much larger than "Eliza," and I make things much more complex and useful.
"Eliza," I will never forget you.
May 1997:
I've been hanging out with Sandi, hoping to forge a relationship that is
void of tragedy. I've been neurotic, and losing the
neuroses slowly -- I'm impatient, I want them all to go away and I wonder
why I hold on to them. I've been either uninterested or unready for the
sexual relations offered to me. I noticed a Karma Bomb went off in mid-May;
it pulled me out of my self-indulgent sulking, and visited other good
fortune on some friends, as well as ill fortune on acquantances here and
Californian friends in general. I returned to the stage for the first time
in years, where I told stories and entertained very well... my friends want
me to return, and I've not decided yet. I've been hearing that my skills
are becoming obsolete. I've been enjoying, and respectful of the freedom I
have living off my savings. I'm part of the Convergence 4 organizers, I
was sick for a whole day from eating red meat, I cycled in Niagra sampling
wineries. TinGoth was down for two weeks because
Dave Brown is in
control of calum. I'm playtesting for the Hairy Tarantula, and I've been
invited to a D&D game. The invitation was accompanied by a compliment that
reminds me of Steve Darby and the Vampire game so long ago.
April 1997:
I've been getting behind, haven't I? I was sent to Los Angeles by Warp10
Technologies in March, where Stara
moved in with me for three weeks. I learned much about myself then, because
(to my surprise) I didn't restrain myself emotionally while I was with her.
Nor did I try to hold on to her when we parted. She's a very special woman,
and I do not have space here to describe her virtues nor our adventures.
Met Nebelhexa and Eriktik.
Make no mistake in thinking otherwise than Los Angeles is a little bit of
hell on Earth. The city offers power, and it can give it, but only at
a terrible price, and you may loose your spirit there in paying.
It took me a few weeks to recover from Los Angeles, during which I
was in an awful slump (early April).
Quitting Warp10 was part of the recovery of my self-esteem and mental health.
Since then I've had to put up with my roommate's anecdotes about his sexual
adventures, as well as the usual fertility of people during spring. I played
the "bitter and single" joke for a bit, but it wore thin and now I'm just
plain single. I've got enough angst to last me the whole season from one
telephone conversation, where Sandy Jordan and I shared the Lunar Eclipse...
incredably romantic, despite that we broke up in early January.
Robin Pittis and I can commisserate, with large amounts of
alcohol and happy times together. I visited Hamilton again, to see a ghost
from my past (Michelle the twig, whom I still will not bed) and old companions
I've not seen in years. I see that most are still the same, and I wonder if
I have changed. I hope so -- not to be better than them, just that change
is my ideal.
January 1997:
Went to San Fransisco, to see if it really exists. It does, but the
whole city has an unreal tint to it. I was writing a diary for a few
days, but I lost track right about the same time I met Stara at a party
for the Stronghold group. Stara
and I made something special, even though it was brief. I got to be a part
of Brunch
Line Assembly, sunday breakfast for San Fran nightclubbers.
December 1996: (written in January)
The best December I can remember. Nearly fell in love with the
amazing Sandy Jordan... but I'm not ready to share my life with someone
yet. Need to do some more growing up, damnit. Oh well, if I'm a boy
then I might as well act like one and stop thinking I'm a grownup...
stop thinking that settling down is the best thing for me.
Christmas was much less stressful than I thought it would be.
Novermber 1996:
My attempts at being single and content have gone haywire,
since I've been dating/ having dinner with/ ambushed by many people. As
December comes I know things are going to get worse, as they always do for
me, so maybe I'll find myself nearly alone so I have time to rest.
Throughout all this has been my
growing infatuation with the woman I mentioned in October; we've been trying
to get together but we rarely succeed. Hallowe'en was a week of drinking and
little sleep -- my first ever blackout due to alcohol was at Aaron and Brian's
housewarming. Ending the "hurry up and wait" job at MtnLake Software,
starting the (hopefully) "let's do something neat" job at Warp10. The movie
Crash is very very erotic;
see it with someone you lust.
October 1996:
( The Claudia's Cage diaries are typed in finally. I have to wait for
Nancy to get back to me about what is cool to publish and what isn't. )
One thing I _do_ want to mention is that my promise to stop chasing after
women, and only date platonically, has been working amazingly well. I've been
at peace, not frustrated, and I think women are more comfortable around me now.
In particular, I said there would be only one exception to my promise, only
one woman whom I knew at the time whom I would still put my neck out for
getting a date... and she called me and asked me out on a date first!
June 1996:
Pride Day in Toronto was amazing. I managed to catch the end of the big
Dyke March on Saturday, where I heard the rallying cries and sisterly
love. I also overheard much sisterly lust, with about ten couples around
me suggesting what they would do with each other when they got home.
I expected the day to be surreal, hanging out on Church St.
during Pride Day as the male among with ten or so lesbians and transsexuals.
It wasn't. The
only thing that bugged me or felt unnatural was how strangers we met
would assume that I'm gay and give me some brotherly support. The most
important thing about the day is how the women I spent time with found me
completely unthreatening. The most surreal thing about that day (aside
from the parade, and the naked red devilwoman on stilts) was Billy. She's
a "19 year old butch in heat," and a diehard boyhating lesbian I'm told.
She was cuddilng with Kai almost all day, as the two of them were under the
shade of my umbrella. We hit it off, and we were playfully flirting on and
off all day as well... bizzare. Claudia's Cage was playing at the
Wood St. stage
and I finally danced (although I think I was one of only three males dancing).
Thanks to the anonymous person whose idea it was to get a horde of her IRC
friends together, and invited me along.
June 1996:
| I finally went to England, to see if it really exists or just some people pretending and talking funny. I must admit that something like England exists, and I had a great time staying in hostels and drinking and meeting people. I'm was stunned by the amount of snogging that goes on visibily at nightclubs -- Canadians don't snog in public and that's a real shame. I went to the Slimelight in London, I saw the movie Trainspotting (AMAZING! "Best heroin movie I've seen." -Paul), I got a beautiful pair of Gladiator boots cheap, drank irish Guiness and Harp, drank cider, and drank too much. The people I met who were travellers were so alive it felt good to be at the hostels. I saw Soho's famous red-light district, but I was disappointed by the poor quality of shops and the appalling prices. Edinburgh was beautiful, and the people I met at the Rocking Horse were priceless. Big hugs to the people I met at the Oxford Street Hostel, the Rocking Horse, the Electric Ballroom and Camden Underworld. Thanks to Cat of Oxford St. Hostel, the Slimelight net.goths and thanks to Ian for getting our tickets and putting up with me for two weeks. |
"England's house music is of superiour quality, and nearly omnipresent
in the nightclubs. Beer is cheap, women are stunning, London's
premiere goth club is members-only and overcrowded and open until 8 am.
The Guiness stout (beer) is better in Toronto than in Dublin. Soho's
red-light district is impressive and disappointing. Birmingham reminds
me of Hamilton. Retro-80's music is familiar-sounding in England, but
I couldn't name more than three songs all night. Pizza Hut _should_
allow for tuna on pizza. Snogging is a public event. People can buy
beer in a pub, and take it with them to drink on the streets.
Eberything[sic] is twice as expensive, except for the pair of Gladiators
I purchased. "K" is amazing hard cider. Toronto smells better than
London. London's subway system rocks; Mornington Crescent Station is
shut down, but there _is_ Waterloo station. My companion noticed cars
and babes while I noticed cathedrals and archetecture. Jumanji is a
good in-flight movie, but Father of the Bride 2 is not. The price of
enlightenment is 105 pounds sterling." June 1996
|
April 1996:
Okay, I've been homepageless for four months. Usually this space
is filled with anecdotes of events in my life. Quite a bit has
happened in four months: I quit working for Bell, I met a vampire
at Sanctuary in Toronto, I've been ordained as a minister, I've been
drinking more and more but not getting drunk, people have been warned
(falsely) that I'm a stalker, Randy and I were locked out of Pridenet,
I met someone from my past and we started something but it stopped and
I was told I am 'the other man,' I've gone back to clubbing more than
once a week again after a three-month hiatus, I won a writing contest
for my take on the origin of the Scooby Doo gang, I got addicted to
IRC and got more interested in programming than using it (just like
my expeirence with MUDs)... I don't remember much more right now, but
I'm in the CSC office so that's okay. Obviously, I haven't written
stories about all these events. Wait and see.
February 1996:
1996 got off to a strange start; I was homeless. What's more, I was
homeless and working on Bay Street, making more money in weeks than
I did before in months. I'd finally gotten out of the house with the
dope-selling teenager downstairs, and his loud, bad, and loud
music that would rattle the couches as I tried to sleep during the
day. I'll miss Stephen White and Chris Stevenson, especially Chris
who can't drink alone. January has been couch-surfing with friends
-- including two people I just met at a Reg Hartt film and followed
home. After three weeks of freezing cold as I march around looking
for a place, I finally have my happy ending: living one block north
of the CityTV building, on the SE corner of the 11th floor, I can
see the CN Tower, the Skydome and the lake from my living room. The
housewarming party is Feb 3rd, and it's BYO furniture. If you read
this before Feb 3rd, you're invited (see home address above, and
call first).
September 1995:
Recently I had the longest amount of time to spend focused on one
project. I've been freelancing for
IMN Internet Serivces, usually
working nights (hurrah!) and doing the usual UNIX admin and
web-authoring stint. During the last two weeks of September, I spent
over 100 hours at the office working to get a client's website done
by the first of September. I finally made it -- I wore my best
skirt and shiny black tunic to commemorate it. My clients felt that
I surpassed their expectations. Have a look for yourself at
www.pridenet.com. When it
was over, I left for Unicamp (my childhood haven; now embroiled in
politicking between youth and church elders). There I swam across
the pond for the first time in my life. When I got home, I found
someone stole my radio during the night.